First and foremost, let me put this initial disclaimer here. I’ve never been obese or fat the way society sees fat and obese, but a person can be fat for their body, their frame. Hence, my title of “Almost” Fat Girl. Secondly, many of the fears expressed in this post may seem irrational. I get that. Fears are almost always irrational. Yet, I feel compelled to share because someone could be helped by my words. That said…read on.
Last week, I visited my doctor to look into the increasing hip pain I had been having the last couple of months. I’ve dealt with hip issues over the course of the last couple of years, but it was becoming beyond manageable. After a MRI, my diagnosis was a contusion in the gluteal muscles (basically a literal pain in the ass…a deep one). She ordered steroids and a full week off all physical activity, especially exercise. Even though I remained composed and told her okay, I was mentally freaking out on two levels.
First off, exercise is my career. I teach ten various fitness/yoga classes per week. Plus standing and demonstrating for my personal clients. What am I going to do?!?! After a bit of calming down, I worked everything out. My students and clients are fine, and I’m following doctor orders. Yet, the bigger, more internal freak out continued.
How am I not going to exercise for an entire week?!?! Even on vacations, I make time to exercise. For the past six years, exercise has become everything to me: my stress reliever, my therapy, my fun … you name it, exercise filtered into every part of my life. Being active makes me happy; it helps me be happy in every part of my life. Then, I thought of the food. Granted, my ways of eating have drastically changed for the better over the last nine years, but exercise also helps me keep off the indulgences (wine and chocolate, anyone?) and lets me have gigantic, teenage portions (I really love food!).
Mentally, I started to see myself become that girl again. The one from 2008 where I was 50 pounds heavier and thought I still looked “hot”. The one who pretended to be okay with wearing a size 12 jeans, even though those were the biggest she had ever worn. The girl who put everyone else before her and rarely took the time to take care of herself. The one in the midst of depression and on the verge of suicide. That girl does not exist any longer, but I saw her crystal clear, and I feared her reappearance.
Now, can all this happen in one week? No, and that is why fears are irrational. Yet, there comes a time everyone has to face their fears, especially the ones about themselves. In the back of my mind, despite all my knowledge, my habit and lifestyle changes, and rationality, I had a fear of becoming that almost fat girl again. I did not realize it until this week. That fear was something I had to face and to let go of because in a sense, the fear had control over me without me even acknowledging it. That fear way back in the dark recesses of my mind kept me trapped in a thought I could never rest. The thought that I could not let go and enjoy down time. Even the thought and incapability to see myself the way I want to see myself: healthy, happy, fit, vibrant. That single fear kept my heart a bit closed and my soul’s wings still clipped.
So, I will enjoy the rest of this week, resting, letting go, smiling. I know I am not that almost fat girl any longer. I know she will not return. I will plan my healthy meals and savor them, eating mindfully. I will look forward to reconnecting with my students and clients and my time on the yoga mat. I will be bold in recognizing that I had that fear and letting it go.
Be bold in facing your fears…even the ones you may not even realize you had.